The moon gathers herself at my window, and sits in soft contemplation with me.
She knows today is my Austinversary.
She’s witnessed the salt water of the past three years; she’s listened to my midnight music (Vance Joy to Khalid), my 3am fears, my barely contained giggle fits over late night comedians (Amy Schumer to Trevor Noah).
She’s anchored my gaze up and steadied my breath as I walk into theaters for 11pm improv timeslots.
She’s let me be restless, joy-bright, broken, ecstatic, connected and lonely. When I feel lost, she finds me, a celestial wink to soothe me. When I feel invigorated, she beams at me, a lunar queen overflowing in generosity and intent on empowering the sacred feminine to be embodied and actualized in earthly life.
Tonight, on the eve of my Austinversary, she courts lovely Libra. She arrives stunning in full raw reckoning.
She takes up full space, unapologetically.
She’s vividly awake to the world, she’s not asleep to the sorrows and pains and kisses and lullabies spinning beneath. She’s present and capable of encompassing everything: the joy and the grief. And she remains resolute in self-authority, clear-focused on her rise, her ascent, her reigning in the jeweled sky She shines.
Dedicated to her work, trusting the wisdom of phases, she teaches. She teaches me to not be afraid of night, of my own inner night, the work of integrating my shadow.
And in this time of self-retreat, I delve into my soul work. I practice rooting. I unearth the limiting beliefs. Bring into the harsh light the toxins twisting my relationship to my body, to my life.
Embodiment secures my higher self into my skin.
Stay. Stay. Stay.
And then:
Release, release, release.
Relationships fall away.
Positions fall away.
Communities not in tune with my frequency fall away.
And I let them fall out of alignment. Then offer a succinct thanks and a closing of peace.
I find home within. I root my spirit into the soles of feet (the kind way Wendy Darling sewed Peter Pan’s shadow back onto his shoes). In embodiment, I establish security and safety, and freely speak and move through space.
I commit to that practice until it no longer feels like practice but a flow of being.
And now, the moon catches me, not in celebration of an Austinversary, because she knows of my disappointment, of my questioning, and these past few weeks have surfaced strains and fractures in a relationship, and I feel unsafe in being me.
Stay. Stay. Stay.
Release. Release. Release.
I stay with the moon. I release all my shames and secrets to her gentle and all-knowing gaze.
And I do remember how I once dreamed of the Lone Star State and how I longed to converse with the Texas moon, and now I am here, capable.
I do not know Austin. And I didn't feel pulled to befriend the city. I strived to befriend and actualize my creative energy through the backdrop of this city.
And the past three years reinforce this lesson: do not strive.
Ease cues the aligned path.
When the compulsive urge to “fix” sputters forward in a weak attempt to control or perfect, I see now to do nothing. There’s nothing for me to fix – for my appearance, for my sensitive and intuitive way of being in this world. It’s more about staying with that sensation of wanting to improve and breathe back into the root and dislodge the toxin and relax into presence.
So for my Austinversary, I sit in the tender illumination of the full moon in Libra, I welcome the stillness to reinforce spirited truths. I see three years of living through her compassionate, merciful gaze. From this lunar perspective, I find forgiveness, hope, a remembered wholeness that roots and frees.
The moon and I acknowledge the past three years; we stay with the montage and then release. We feel the night air and let ourselves be present and purposeful in simply being right here. This breath of a new year.